Chocolate Bunny Boiler
Firstly, thank you so much to all of you who read my first ever blog and for all your kind words of encouragement and support and most of all thank you for sharing your stories with me, I cannot tell you how much you have helped me to keep walking down the road that will hopefully lead me back to my soul….. One step at a time.
On writing my first blog the dose of Prozac I was taking had already been dropped from 40mg to 20mg and finally to 10mg, all under the supervision of a doctor and more importantly for me a counsellor over a period of the last 6 months… I was actually feeling ok when I wrote ‘Punk Coming Off Prozac’ last week…..
However these last few days I’m not so good. I am feeling things so intensely. I am becoming frighteningly honest with people and I am frightened. Oh don’t worry I still love to have fun and to laugh and to see the rainbow in every storm but I’m not as compliant as I was, I’m not such a zombie, the mirage that Prozac gave me is slowly fading. Even though I didn’t feel like I could fit in to society on Prozac, off it I’m even more of a misfit and now the only excuse for that – is me.
How it all began……
An obsession with a giant chocolate Easter bunny!
Everyone who takes Prozac has a story to tell, the reason or the moment which leads them blindly to the never ending ring road of “The Nothing”. Parts of my story are actually quite amusing, so please do feel free to laugh at my almost Alan Partridge esq breakdown.
It was Easter 1997 and I was 23 years old. I believe there were 2 factors which put me in the Prozac coffin…
The first cause of my mental collapse was that I had been bulimic since the age of 12 (I was by this time 23, so bulimia had clouded my vision for 11 years). The bulimia had been brought on as a result of a dancing teacher telling me my boobs were too big to fulfil my dream of becoming a dancer. She suggested I have a breast reduction. Of course I didn’t want to take such drastic action by going under the knife at age 12 and thankfully my parents would never have allowed me to anyway, so the only solution….. I went on the first of many diets, to starve my boobs away and the result of that was my boobs got bigger and I got a fixation on food that literally took over my life….. The condition known as bulimia, was now a ghost on my shoulder.
The second reason I lost my mind was in a way less troubling, yet more dramatic and it’s psychologically proven that the two are in fact connected……
I had found myself in a relationship where I received the most love I’d ever encountered in my life – but I also got physically abused on a regular basis by that same man…. This ranged from having cigarettes put out on me, to being strangled whilst having my head smashed against the floor, to just a good old fashioned beating…. Dramatic? Yes I guess but I’m a tough cookie and I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m telling you this so you understand the day Prozac saved my life…. Yes, you see Prozac was the fairy tale for me once upon a time.
The Psychotic Incident…..
It was the Saturday before Easter Sunday 1997 and I had starved myself secretly for 4 days. The reason for that (here comes the Alan Partridge esq bit) I had seen a giant chocolate Easter bunny in the local supermarket and it was to be my treat. To me, it was a bulimics holy grail of a chocolate bunny, it cost £30, the detail was exquisite and it looked like it would change my life, cure my bulimia, make my psycho boyfriend love me again, take away the fact that he punched me in the stomach the night before and that bunny might even make me beautiful. A magical chocolate bunny and it would be mine!
However, when I arrived at the supermarket that day, the saintly chocolate bunny had gone! All of them, every single last bunny had been sold! As a bulimic I had to leave it until the last minute to buy it or I’d lose control around it, binge, be sick and Easter would be ruined…. And now because of this silly illness Easter was ruined anyway – my saviour bunny had gone!
I tried to stay calm, I really did, but the world started closing in on me, everything I’d bottled up, every hurt, every skipped meal and every bit of hate that I had for myself burst out of me and I’m afraid to say the whole display of Easter eggs got it! I absolutely flipped out….shockingly, in this moment of madness, every cell in my body was actually calm, calmer than I had been in a very long time – but I absolutely trashed every single Easter egg I could get my hands on in that supermarket!
Hilarious really, and if we are honest wouldn’t we all like to mash up the shelving on shop floors every now and then? I guess I basically had a massive tantrum and it saved my life because as a result of my episode I was rushed off to a mental hospital.
Suddenly I was forced to look at my bulimia, to look at my relationship and to look at my life….. and that’s when and where I found Prozac…. Much more of a saintly saviour than any chocolate bunny or at least I hoped it would be.
I did find courage with Prozac to leave my abuser, my bulimia on Prozac was almost instantly cured. I remember walking through the town where I grew up and seeing things so clearly. It was like before Prozac my head had been a draw full of messy papers – but on prozac those papers had been filed neatly away, categorised and labelled. As I walked along the river of my childhood I thought, wow this must be what normal people feel like…. I thought I’d finally been blessed, I could live like everyone else, what I didn’t know was that I had actually just sold my soul to another type of devil. The chocolate bunny boiler was now a zombie……
Thanks for reading again… I hope it hasn’t been too serious or long (this will be the longest one) I hope my chocolate bunny story has made you laugh a little and I hope you’ll continue to share your stories with me and read my blog and my account of being a Punk On Prozac.
Next blog I’ll tell you how I came to stay on it for 15 years and my diagnosis…..
I’ll post on twitter @sjhoneywell to let you know when the next blog is up.
love SJ x
I would like to still be able to do the splits and a acrobatics when I'm 80